Sunday 27 November 2011

Love is a losing game. One I wished I'd never played.

Wow, it's been a while since I wrote on here!
First of all, I want to say thanks to Resident of a little rock for being my first commentator!
 It means so much to me, thank you. Keep your eyes peeled for some more blogs to come - even if they take a while coming.

Lately, I've been busy with work and uni stuff but thought I'd come back here and just do what I normally do with these blogs. I've seen that my last post on "Issues of the Heart" is proving popular amongst people - I'm glad that so many have read it and maybe even related to it.
Love can be great but when it hurts, it really hurts.
It's been one of those days where I've been feeling down, thoughtful and unsure of things so I've just kept to myself and worked through the motions.
Lately, I reached a stage of self realisation and realised a lot of things.
 It led to me ask this main question: Why do we hold onto people that we know are bad for us?
They make you feel good for a few days, weeks, months but deep down you know they're wrong and just not good for you. Yet it's like you cling to them for that thrill, that burst of brief passion, that false sense of security that takes you away from that dark, sinking place of pain. It's like a void and you do anything to try fill it and take away that despair, anguish, loss and hate with the wrong sort of people, guys, girls, lifestyle, drinking, drugs, comfort eating, attitude - it goes on you know?
 The sort of person you don't tell your friends about because you think that they just won't understand and judge you.  But actually, it's not your friends' judgement that worries you.
It's your own judgement; you know it's destructive but you still carry on with it.
You cry for this person, look at your phone constantly to see if they've texted, and when they do your stomach jumps a little and your heart thumps.
They make you cry, anger you, hurt you, waste your time, use you but at the same time you don't complain because you're using them too. You know it's not real love, they're not the real deal but you still keep them in your life. They break you down but at the same time, they raise your esteem - briefly - and make you feel a bit better than before.
It's sad, you know it, but you feel like you can't let them go even though it is the best thing to do.
Why? Fear of loneliness? Insecurity? You're not really sure what or which one it is.
Love or lust? Either way I guess you lose. By the end of it all, you wish you'd never clapped eyes on that person, let anything develop or dragged it out.