How to behave on the Tube

Did you know that smiling at other commuters is a criminal offence when travelling on the London Underground? If you are caught doing this, you must  pay a fine of £800 to TFL and have your railcard confiscated for a week, maybe more depending on the severity of your smile.
The problem with us Londoners is that we get suspicious VERY easily, I mean, who can blame us.

We have a lot of crime, a terrorist attack on the Tube a few years ago and there's a lot of weird people who use public transport. Trust me...I can speak from numerous experiences: "It's all in the eyes" creepy man blog post. So our poker faces is kinda how we defend ourselves. You see from the eyes of a Londoner: everyone is evil and out to swipe you!

Secondly: it is compulsory for every Londoner to carry an umbrella (never know when it might rain!), a Kindle, your iPod/iPhone, a book, furiously tap away at your Blackberry or moodily stare into space. Failure in doing one or more of the above may result in you being accosted by a weird commuter and having British Transport Police placing you under arrest.
You see: we can't cope without doing one of the above. Once I forgot to bring something and that was one hell of a long, awkward journey. You just don't know where to look! The floor? The map opposite? Your shoes?

Thirdly: walking slowly is absolutely prohibited. The recommended pace is usually between Mo Farah and Usain Bolt. Any less is simply unacceptable. Any faster? You have our respect. If you do walk slowly, be prepared for an onslaught of dirty looks, lots of tutting, pushing, shoving and even being thrown off the train.
If one finds themselves in such a predicament , I suggest that one best be Usain Bolting it down whatever line one is on. If one can outpace more than 5 commuters: one has officially mastered the London Walk.
Well done.

Fourth:  Don't ever sit next to someone. It is common courtesy to leave at least 1 empty seat between yourself and the next passenger.  In an ideal world, it technically should be half a train carriage but hey - that's life! However, this is NOT an excuse to give your bag or coat V.I.P treatment and place them on the vacant seat. A crumpled copy of The Metro will usually suffice.

Fifth: Rush hour. Between the hours of 5pm - 7:30pm on weekday evenings is commonly known as "rush hour" or "the stampede". If you walk slowly here, you will be crushed, you will be trodden on. Everyone is on a mission to get home in record time and has their game face on. Man, woman or child: they don't give no sh*t.
I personally would not recommend using any form of London public transport between these hours.

Sixth: Being tall is an advantage when living and roaming in a concrete jungle. This could be evidence for  Darwin's theory "Survival of the Fittest." Short people are often looked down upon (pardon the pun), ignored and pushed to one side.
I'm at a funny height where I reach armpit level on most people. All too often during rush hour and normal hours I find my face and nostrils being violently attacked by a fellow commuter's pungent body odour. So please tall commuters: ensure that you have washed and use a bloody good anti-perspirant!

Finally: Everyday gorgeous men and women use public transport. They brighten commutes and get other commuters' pulses racing - this is probably a good thing in the morning when we all look and feel like zombies. However, speaking to them or having the guts to go up to them is kinda hard. Why? It directly conflicts with Rule 1 on How to behave on the Tube.
Solution? Text cheesy details of this stud or lustrous beast your eyes, heart and/or genitalia are set on to The Metro's Rush Hour Crush section. There is a a number to text your message to and who knows: they might even publish it for your desired one to read. Problem with this is that, they might not respond because no one directly looks at each other on the Tube, people walk so fast (you know: "Now you see me....now you don't!") Besides, the carriages can be ram packed : they might not even see or recognise you. Sad times.

From a Londoner to you: this is probably the only piece of valuable "wisdom" and "high knowledge" I can pass onto others. Please behave responsibly when using the Underground and bear the above mentioned in mind when about to commit an act which may violate one or more of the rules.
Lots of love: commuters and users of London public transport.