Dear Rita

She picked up a sports bag in each hand as she walked out of the front door. She placed them outside neatly side by side, came inside and stood silently on the mat. She stared at the floor as though there were an intriguing design that gripped her attention. No tears, no words, no glances, no hugs. She dropped the house keys into the glass bowl with a jangle, turned and left closing the front door behind her.

My eyes filled with tears as I ran towards the front door, yanked it open and hopelessly stared after her. 

A paralysing, tingling sensation gripped my being. It swept through my bones, my blood, my flesh, my teeth and gathered in my skull where it mercilessly shook my thoughts and burst my heart. A watery sun shyly peered out from behind slate gray clouds I clung to the door. The sun lit up the damp emerald leaves, bounced off the magnolias and glittered on the paving stones of the driveway. The sparrows twittered and flitted from bushes to trees frantically singing their songs to each other. 

Shoulder-length, honeyed brown permanently straightened hair, a beige coat, dark trousers and two Head bags casually walked up the road. I strained my eyes, tracking every footstep as she walked up the road. 

I strained my eyes as she slowly disappeared into the blur of suburban streets, well pruned garden bushes, trees, garden gates and hedges. I shrunk back into a silent, trembling mess as I held the door for support. 

Come back, I wanted to scream. I'll make everything better and things will be different I swear. Please don't go. 

I closed my eyes and quietly begged her to turn around with a beaming smile: "It's ok, I made a mistake! Don't worry, everything will be fine."

I repeated it as though it were a mantra and my life depended on it. I slowly opened my eyes to see an old man hobbling down the road clutching a Sainsbury's bag. Disappointment, pain and bitterness engulfed me as I quickly smoothed my hair back from my eyes. I slowly let go off the door and numbly walked back into the house. I sat on the stairs allowing my tears to stain my tartan navy school skirt as I tried to make sense of it all.

Little did I know that this moment would stay with me. I would replay it in my mind as I would cry myself to sleep every night as I tried to accept this. That no matter how many people I told, I would still struggle and fight my way through life by myself. Little did I know, that this memory would form a deep wound that time would eventually plaster over with a thin scab. A reminder of that day where I stood on the threshold looking into the darkness.