Wicked Games

So it's another grey, miserable rainy day - again, this seems to be a recurring theme whenever I decide to do a blog - however, this time my hair's safe for now!
My hair 1 - 0 Rain
Today's title comes from The Weeknd's song "Wicked Games" which is easily one of the best tracks I've ever heard and with a lot of his songs, it just captures your mood perfectly. If you've not heard of the song, you must listen to it and his other stuff!

The song reminds me of a recent love that backfired badly and was probably the worst. But it taught me a lot and I'm grateful for that side of it.
It was the one-sided, I'll-give-you-all-of-myself-and-do-anything-for-you type loves. And in return what you get is what I can only describe as a middle finger back at your raw emotions and a kicking when you eventually are thrown aside.
I call it a love because well...without sounding cliché, he was the only person I'd ever cared about properly and the only person I allowed to enter my emotions; we had both grown up without a parent and for me, it was a relief to find someone else who knew exactly how that pain feels, how that emptyness manages to engulf you and how much it affects you.
Now I'm one of these people who doesn't really give second chances, but the number of chances I gave to this guy was unbelievable. It was the whole "Oh but he'll change for me" mentality and hope that he used to feed me. Certain men don't change for anyone; it doesn't matter how many times you cry, scream, beg and plead with them. You end up doing stupid things to try make them happy, without realising how much you're cutting into your soul and destroying yourself.
It wasn't until he left (conveniently) that I realised how much I'd hurt myself by trying to make him "happy" and he'd swanned away unscathed.
It took me months to try and forget about him; I was in misery for months. It hurts when the other person falls out of love with you.
I know that when someone leaves you, the emotional surge hits you like a train and its those scars that never quite manage to heal up which remain with you. The months of agony where part of you hates the other's guts but the other part where you're desperately crying out for them and almost wanting the bad times to return simply because you just want the good times come with that.
But then you realise - this takes a while, a long time in my case - that it's not worth having the times that emotionally killed you just for a few brief moments of smiling, kisses and cuddles. It's the pain that you remember the most and the number of times they tried to break you.

No one is worth going back to, especially if the pain that they caused makes you extra suspicious of people's intentions and wary of being involved with anyone else.
I guess they'd have to be pretty damn special if you go back to them and they actually change.